I became a master, at a young age, of how not to feel. Protect your core, do not share its contents. Set fire to what threatens you. Push away what you cannot avoid. And always: be on the lookout.

The relationship that made me feel small, insignificant, powerless was only a byproduct of this conditioning. 

Emotionally unavailable, emotionally unaware. Shut down by a lifetime of abuse, abuse that I believed to be normal. I believed I deserved to be treated that way. I moved through the world numb, hurt, anxious, believing that people wanted to hurt me.

I hid from the numbness, the pain. I  focused on conforming to societal ideals. I wanted to fit in, to be accepted, to be loved.  But I never did. Because I did not accept myself, love myself, fit into me.

16in x 20in

Acrylic on Canvas